Integrating in France - Learning French Customs

Getting the most out of your French property – whether a holiday or a permanent home – not only involves being aware of and understanding French law but also French customs.
The key to understanding French culture is understanding the language. If you are not already a French speaker, you should take some lessons and, having done so, should not be afraid to practise your French with your French neighbours. Most will appreciate your efforts and will help you improve your French. This will open up a new world for you. Otherwise you will always tend to be an outsider – literally an étranger.

From vous to tu
Having become proficient in French and getting on well with your French neighbours raises a particular problem. When to change from the formal vous to the familiar tu. Very often, the French themselves will take the lead by suddenly speaking to you in the familiar form. So, be ready to cope with the change!

Having got to know some of the French in your community, the next issue is to know when to greet them with a kiss, a peck on both cheeks or merely shake them by the hand. Be careful if you are a man, because in some regions male friends also offer each other a kiss on meeting.

Being hospitable
Another issue to be addressed is inviting the French to your home. Incidentally, they will not expect to be given a guided tour, nor will they feel obliged to show you round their home. Again, they will often take the lead by inviting you to their home first for the famous French aperitif. Again, beware! This may be more than a pre-dinner drink.

Many years ago, while living in the Haute Savoie, we were invited for the first time to our French neighbours for an aperitif. After the first drink, some snacks appeared; then, after further drinks, more food appeared. And so it continued. By midnight, it was time to return home, only to find a burnt offering, having completely forgotten that we had put our supper in the oven to cook as we had a pre-dinner drink with our neighbours!

Knowing when to invite your neighbours for an aperitif can also pose a dilemma (only if you know them well would you invite them to dinner). Family occasions, such as Christmas, are not the right times. But New Year’s Day would be a different matter, especially at midday.
Also, make sure that, apart from wine, spirits are also on offer, especially Scotch whisky, which is popular among French men. In fact, the typical French aperitif tends to involve all kinds of bottles to tickle your taste buds, including potent homemade eaux de vie.

In times of death
When someone in your village or community dies, you also need to be aware of and sensitive to the French way of doing things. If you receive a death notice in your mailbox, you are expected to attend the funeral service at the local church, during which you may also be expected to walk round the coffin and sprinkle holy water on it. If you knew the deceased well, you are also expected to visit the family at the house before the funeral, where you will be asked if you would like to view the body (usually laid out in a bedroom).

If you do not receive a death notice, but become aware (the postman is a reliable source of local news) of someone’s death, what do you do then? This happened to us recently in the case of our neighbour’s wife, who had died from cancer. It is appropriate – and will be appreciated – to send a card, with a simple message, such as avec nos condoléances.

Village parties
French village life has many more happy occasions. Several times a year, there will be a gettogether of the community in the village hall or salle communale for a Gallic knees up, often a couscous dansant. This is another way of breaking the ice and getting to know the French in a less formal setting. And you may be surprised to know that, if you are not there, you will actually be missed!

Ian Blackshaw is an international lawyer: Email: cblackshawg@aol.com

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